Nothing to do with art..........

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a gold and diamond bracelet for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

2. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

4. A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

5. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

6. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

7. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

8. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

9. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

10. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

11. Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

12. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

13. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

14. Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

15. A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

16. Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

17. Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

18. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Perhaps the pig was in a hurry because he heard someone filling the trough
jim

......meanwhile, Sue's thinking about tapping into some atomic resources closer to home........

Serve less beans wivit sue
jim

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.



BUT....... The most British thing of all? - Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and...... Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain. ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

PROUD TO BE BRITISH

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful!!!! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

I must try this on my wife ( if I dare)
Bryan

Word of warning, Bryan...........make sure her needlework (or any other sharp objects) is not within reach

Not been on here for a while but have totally enjoyed this little lot whilst having an 'idle moment' at work today!!!! Made me chuckle........keep em coming.......
I am bored at work, there is no-one to talk to, there is no work to do, even the phone is quiet!! (that's a good thing!) and it's my birthday!!!!!!! Chocolates and cake tonight - hoorah - and sod the cholestorol for a day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy painting all
Love Bev

Hippo Birpday Bev,
may your chocolate cake taste ever so gorgeous and be worth all the extra cholesterol.
jim

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Bev
from Stu

Happy Birthday Bev......
21 again?
mmmmmmmmm - I haven't had cake for too too long. Tell you what, I'm just about to slip up the shops. I shall get some cake and we'll celebrate your birthday tonight from Capel.

Ah thanks Jim, Stu and Sue for your birthday wishes.....I just love birthdays, even though we need them to take their time coming round these days LOL!
Well my husband and son cooked me a lovely steak meal and presented me with a lovely cake with one one my paintings transposed onto the icing!! (Plus a pic of me looking rather worse for wear in Ibiza some 18 or so yrs ago!!!)
Hope you enjoyed your cake Sue....and well I wish I was 21 again - boy the things I'd do!! Still that needs a whole book, hmmm theres a thought!. I would definitely start painting earlier anyway!
Well I am being taken out for a romantic meal this evening so that's something to look forward to then it's back to reality and catching up with my lazy couple of 'me' days!!!
Hope you all have a great weekend and ......Happy Painting! XX