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How should I respond to a text from my date telling me that he has incontinence?

So I've been dating this guy for quite some time and we're starting to get more serious but sometimes he leaves like very suddenly or will cut our dates off short and I had no idea how to interpret that. Well we got in a fight about it this week and that fight was escalating for days and then he just texted me right now and said:
Look, we've been seeing each other for awhile so maybe it's time that I just let you know that I have some medical issues and have to wear protection (e.g.;diapers) so that's why sometimes I have to leave right away. It's embarrassing. I don't like to talk about it. I'm sorry maybe I should have told you before.
How the hell should I respond!?

I obviously don't care that he needs to wear those. Now I just feel bad that I was so ****** off about him suddenly leaving in the middle of our dates all the time. I guess I'm just shocked. Advice please! He sent the text hours ago and I still have no clue how to respond to it. I don't want to not respond though because that send a bad message right?

Re: How should I respond to a text from my date telling me that he has incontinence?

I would respond to him just as you did in your post...that you don't care...or it's no big deal & let him know you're listening if he ever wants to discuss it more. For us guys who live with incontinence, the stress & embarrassment can often be way worse than the problem & how others feel about it.

If you have a good solid relationship, let him know how you feel & work through it

I hope this helps!


Re: How should I respond to a text from my date telling me that he has incontinence?

Hi Brain,

Tahnk you so much for your response. I did finally text him just now and said "hey it's no big deal. I'm sorry for the way I acted. I had no idea you were dealing with medical issues. I'm here to listen if you ever want to talk about this again."

He hasn't responded yet but I'm just giving him some space....Hopefully it will be ok.

I guess part of me is also just shocked because he is young and healthy looking (like actually we're very young) and I always thought that this condition only affected old people. But now that I'm doing more research on incontinence online it turns out that the common stereotype that it mostly affects old people is a myth. Incontinence is actually most common in young women!

This explains a lot too....Like I also noticed that whenever I try to get close to him like on the couch or in the car for example he does push back a little bit (usually he'll pull his shirt down in the front actually) and I always thought that it was just that he's super conservative and doesn't want to get serious until marriage but now I'm thinking that if he's wearing protection that's probably why...He also never wants to drink soda at the movie theatre either so I end up drinking it all myself...I guess the puzzle pieces are starting to come together in my head now..

I'll let everyone here know how he responds...I sent this message out on so many public forums last night related to dating in the middle of my panic and no one responded to me except for here. I guess this just shows how much stigma there really is about problems like this...No one wants to talk about it. If he doesn't respond in a few days, I guess I might ask him if he wants to go get a drink or something and carry on unless he brings it up again. Or should I bring it up if he doesn't?

WOW. Thanks again for your support.

Re: How should I respond to a text from my date telling me that he has incontinence?

Good deal. Please keep us posted on his response. I'm glad I could help with some support! That's what this site is all about. If you click on the Incontinence Resource Center banner up top it will take you back to our site and one of the myths about incontinence that we list IS that "..only old people are incontinent...". It's a huge myth. I live with spina bifida and that is one of the afects. Anyone with a spinal cord injury or multiple sclerosis, or just about anything else that affects the nervous system lives with SOME sort of incontinence.

I hope you two can get past this issue and move forward openly. Yeah, incontinence is kind of a bummer, but certainly not a life, intimacy or relationship ender.

Kind Regards,


Re: How should I respond to a text from my date telling me that he has incontinence?

Thank you so much Brian for having this website. It is the only one like it on the web that I could find.
I don't think I would have been able to get through that difficult conversation with him if it wasn't for you, your resources that you provided, and your website.
I really appreciated getting a perspective from another young guy also struggling with this condition.
I think you're completely right...It seems like the stress and the embarrassment that he is probably feeling about this is so much worse than the condition itself and so much worse than other (like me!) feel about it.
I'm just going to have to keep educating myself and being there for him.

P.S: He finally responded to me and I posted his text in a separate post. We'll be meeting up tomorrow for some drinks and I'm hoping things are going to be ok from here. Thanks so much again!